To everyone who has had to give something/someone up this year because it was just too hard or unrealistic to carry on, this is me saying you are not alone and never will be…..
The last day of 2011 and I am lucky to be able to spend time reflecting on the entire year past. What became and what did not. The many new faces and the old ones. The new ties made and bonds broken. All in the name of moving forward.
Fly-by-night Dreamers, we are a rare breed. We see the world in a different light. We dare to dream even though sometimes it remains just that. There is nothing wrong with trying to capture sand in your palms – it is a mission in itself but it takes a special person to be able to continue holding on even as it slips out of grasp. Remarkable strength and the nerve to throw caution to the wind and continue doing what we do best, hanging on till the very last minute.
So what if he/she couldn’t be yours, so what if all that material stuff couldn’t be yours, so what if time past you by, so what if the man upstairs refused to give you a break? We’re still standing. Resilient like the evergreen. Through hell and high water, we’ve lived and come out stronger then before. I laugh at the naysayers who couldn’t see our worth.
We lived, laughed and loved – and we took one thing away, memories. I’ve lost so much this year alone, and gained something so precious that no man could ever give. They tried to discourage me, tried to break me down but I remained relentless to the course.
The unexpected happened and I found myself caught in a moment that I could never have imagined. I got my Lone Gunman back but with it came a hefty price – how was I to escape it this time? 2 years ago, I found myself miserably in love with someone I could never forget and now I see tiny windows of hope resurface. The overwhelming feelings I once shelved are back to haunt me and it’s killing me inside. Emotionally, I am a wreck yet once again, I hide behind a wonderful mask.
365 days of the year, what a journey I’ve had. Cried and lost and got up to walk again. Misery followed me from Day 1 but I refused to give up because my body, mind and soul would not let me. I sit at the cusp of the New Year and write my heart out because I am blessed to be armed with the mighty pen. You cannot stop me from being who I was born to be. You may try and slow me down and suppress me altogether but I promise to come out stronger and better in 2012.
We, the Fly-by-night Dreamers have a purpose. Find yourself in a moment and don’t let go of it. Trust me, the regrets I have are many. The many times I’ve sat on the beach and pondered thoughts that would frighten the life out of you. I do not belong with you, never have. I am a piece of the universal puzzle that lies scattered around the globe. My body here yet my mind lies elsewhere.
Never think for one moment that you are not expandable or replaceable. Get used to the idea of rejection for it will strengthen you as you climb that ladder of life, one rung at a time. Don’t let them take your dreams away, I beg you. Live, love and laugh with a passion.
The world is your canvas, paint it however you wish to. Blow my mind with your imagination. Find a strong flow and roll with it. Grab his/her hand and don’t let go. Dream big and dream with a fiery vengeance. Let the pain and misery build you from the ground up.
I learnt to harness the anger in me – God knows I harbour so much within. It isn’t easy living life in my shoes. It isn’t a walk in the park being Michelle.
To the men who have come and gone, I raise my middle finger to salute you. You made me who I am today – the monster that lies inside is of your making. The love I gave to you. I could not give to the right one. You held me gently and invoked feelings of madness and love and you walked away leaving me a mess. I got up and dusted your stench off my being and walked on towards the light. You gave me the ammunition to guard my heart with a frenzied passion. I bow before nobody and I never will. How foolish of you to try and break me. Don’t you know the power I wield?
To the circumstances that I could not change, things happen for a reason. I know you had big plans that included me but alas, I just couldn’t hold on. Whenever the world starts crashing down around me, I look up to the Heavens and scream in agony for someone to hear me and rescue me. In fact, I did that this very morning.
Cause and effect – the dance of life. Oh how I danced to the merry tunes you sounded out. Like a marionette, you tugged away at me. Hopeless romantic you call me. Sucker for punishment I call myself. I got lost in the moment once, and I refuse to be swayed this time around. Life, you blinded me with those bright ribbons of colour. Millions of miles away from reality, I find myself stuck between a rock and hard place yet again. I have no strength to get out of it. In fact, I never want to get out of it. I love the sound of your voice in my ears, the wonderful vision before me. I live for the butterflies.
To my mum and sister, I love you like no other in my life. Dad is no longer with us in person but I feel his presence every day. I ask you to forgive me for the times I lost the right to be called a sister and a daughter. There is so much I cannot tell you for there are things I must do alone. Burdens I must carry alone. My heart is heavy as I recollect the memories of old. Unfortunately, “tempus fugit”.
To my close friends Amelia, Hans and Lovoti – the best part of 2011 was being with you guys and sharing my darkest moments knowing that we were always going to be together, no matter the circumstances. I am grateful for you all. I love you.
My closest cousins, my hearts and soul – Damien, Anthea, Fiona and Nola. Only you know the mess that is me. Only you know why I do what I do. The reason why I always love with a passion yet even though it isn’t reciprocated. The reason why the darkest chapters of my life remain unwritten. I swear it’s you that my heart beats for – all of you.
My friends and family too numerous to name – thank you for the memories we’ve made and the moments we’ve shared. I cannot get them back and believe me when I say that I will never forget you.
To dad – I’m still here, miraculously. You know how many times I’ve tried to come see you and how many times you’ve stopped me. How I wish you would let me see you – my life hangs by a thread right now Dad, you see this. I love you so much and I’m sorry I haven’t turned out the way you wanted me to. I’m still learning. We won’t say our goodbyes because it is better this way.
To Life – have at me while you still can. You threw it all my way. You had me on my hands and knees begging you to stop but the torment continues. And for that, I am thankful. The times I’ve bled, I’ve become stronger. You taught me the true meaning of being alive. The scars I carry are many but the biggest battle is yet to come. I stand my ground and herald the approach of your vengeance. Come at me! Do your worst for I am still here!
To my Fly-by-night Dreamers, reclaim what was rightfully yours – you’re in the wrong place trying to make it right, just like me. I’m reaching out to hold your hand now. We have a long walk ahead of us. The world isn’t half as bad as they paint it to be.
We have the chance to change that, or maybe I’m just dreaming out loud.
Goodbye 2011 – the year that will never be forgotten.