Christmas is only 3 days away and I find myself in a real quandary. I’m constantly tested and my boundaries pushed to breaking point yet I don’t know how or where to even begin telling my story. He hit me like a hurricane that came out of the blue and destroyed everything in its path. My sanity, my soul and my heart swept away with those few words that he uttered during the morning. The wall that I had built and tried to fortify my being came crashing down at that instant as he appeared out of nowhere. I look back in the past and remember the wonderful moments we shared yet I fear this in so many ways. I was in love once, madly in love. And I was willing to give it all up for one man who proclaimed his love for me. It was real then and still is. I feel his heart beat for me as he utters those familiar words again. I do not understand why things have happened this way and why I am back again feeling the same way when I could be elsewhere loving someone else. He sits so far away from me – so far that I cannot touch him or tell him that I am scared. I fear for myself more then anything because I have done nothing to stop this overwhelming feeling of madness. Sheer stupidity is what a lot would call it but I refuse to listen, or perhaps I hold on to the hopes of possibly seeing his face and having him caress my face as he leans forward to seal the deal with a kiss. Oh how I’ve longed for you! And yet I cannot understand why this is so. I am broken inside. Caught in a crossroads with a death wish – to deal with the devil himself. How this will fare I do not know but for now, it’s the butterflies that I live for. And the hopes of finding true love one day. The concept of true love is so vague. I had that once, a very long time ago. Before everything became complicated and the walls of sanity came crashing down around me, engulfing me in tears and rage because I couldn’t stop my heart from hurting the way it did. I never forgot him – not once. A constant reminder as I heard that familiar tune on the radio, and I swear I could have heard his voice in the background telling me to hold on because the best was yet to come. I am really confused at this point. The headwinds are strong and I’m fighting a losing battle. My body lies here yet my mind is miles away. My soul withering away for not being able to see through it all. And now I find myself drifting one more time – listening to the sounds of Snow Patrol and wondering about the what-ifs that I’ve had all my life. A miserable past that threatens to catch up with me time and time again – and I see it happening now. The pain has slowly started coming back – my chest aching for oxygen as he whispers the words I have been longing to hear. The moment I gaze into his eyes, I lose myself. I cannot help the way I feel any more. I want to walk away but I’m not as strong as I thought I was. Mesmerised by his sweet words and his love. I only hope it is real. So confused. Where am I headed? Tears in my eyes as I force myself to stay awake and understand the reason behind my madness.
Perhaps I’ll leave that for another day, another post.