Monthly Archives: December 2011

Fly-by-night Dreamers.

To everyone who has had to give something/someone up this year because it was just too hard or unrealistic to carry on, this is me saying you are not alone and never will be…..
The last day of 2011 and I am lucky to be able to spend time reflecting on the entire year past. What became and what did not. The many new faces and the old ones. The new ties made and bonds broken. All in the name of moving forward.
Fly-by-night Dreamers, we are a rare breed. We see the world in a different light. We dare to dream even though sometimes it remains just that. There is nothing wrong with trying to capture sand in your palms – it is a mission in itself but it takes a special person to be able to continue holding on even as it slips out of grasp. Remarkable strength and the nerve to throw caution to the wind and continue doing what we do best, hanging on till the very last minute.
So what if he/she couldn’t be yours, so what if all that material stuff couldn’t be yours, so what if time past you by, so what if the man upstairs refused to give you a break? We’re still standing. Resilient like the evergreen. Through hell and high water, we’ve lived and come out stronger then before. I laugh at the naysayers who couldn’t see our worth.
We lived, laughed and loved – and we took one thing away, memories. I’ve lost so much this year alone, and gained something so precious that no man could ever give. They tried to discourage me, tried to break me down but I remained relentless to the course.
The unexpected happened and I found myself caught in a moment that I could never have imagined. I got my Lone Gunman back but with it came a hefty price – how was I to escape it this time? 2 years ago, I found myself miserably in love with someone I could never forget and now I see tiny windows of hope resurface. The overwhelming feelings I once shelved are back to haunt me and it’s killing me inside. Emotionally, I am a wreck yet once again, I hide behind a wonderful mask.
365 days of the year, what a journey I’ve had. Cried and lost and got up to walk again. Misery followed me from Day 1 but I refused to give up because my body, mind and soul would not let me. I sit at the cusp of the New Year and write my heart out because I am blessed to be armed with the mighty pen. You cannot stop me from being who I was born to be. You may try and slow me down and suppress me altogether but I promise to come out stronger and better in 2012.
We, the Fly-by-night Dreamers have a purpose. Find yourself in a moment and don’t let go of it. Trust me, the regrets I have are many. The many times I’ve sat on the beach and pondered thoughts that would frighten the life out of you. I do not belong with you, never have. I am a piece of the universal puzzle that lies scattered around the globe. My body here yet my mind lies elsewhere.
Never think for one moment that you are not expandable or replaceable. Get used to the idea of rejection for it will strengthen you as you climb that ladder of life, one rung at a time. Don’t let them take your dreams away, I beg you. Live, love and laugh with a passion.
The world is your canvas, paint it however you wish to. Blow my mind with your imagination. Find a strong flow and roll with it. Grab his/her hand and don’t let go. Dream big and dream with a fiery vengeance. Let the pain and misery build you from the ground up.
I learnt to harness the anger in me – God knows I harbour so much within. It isn’t easy living life in my shoes. It isn’t a walk in the park being Michelle.
To the men who have come and gone, I raise my middle finger to salute you. You made me who I am today – the monster that lies inside is of your making. The love I gave to you. I could not give to the right one. You held me gently and invoked feelings of madness and love and you walked away leaving me a mess. I got up and dusted your stench off my being and walked on towards the light. You gave me the ammunition to guard my heart with a frenzied passion. I bow before nobody and I never will. How foolish of you to try and break me. Don’t you know the power I wield?
To the circumstances that I could not change, things happen for a reason. I know you had big plans that included me but alas, I just couldn’t hold on. Whenever the world starts crashing down around me, I look up to the Heavens and scream in agony for someone to hear me and rescue me. In fact, I did that this very morning.
Cause and effect – the dance of life. Oh how I danced to the merry tunes you sounded out. Like a marionette, you tugged away at me. Hopeless romantic you call me. Sucker for punishment I call myself. I got lost in the moment once, and I refuse to be swayed this time around. Life, you blinded me with those bright ribbons of colour. Millions of miles away from reality, I find myself stuck between a rock and hard place yet again. I have no strength to get out of it. In fact, I never want to get out of it. I love the sound of your voice in my ears, the wonderful vision before me. I live for the butterflies.
To my mum and sister, I love you like no other in my life. Dad is no longer with us in person but I feel his presence every day. I ask you to forgive me for the times I lost the right to be called a sister and a daughter. There is so much I cannot tell you for there are things I must do alone. Burdens I must carry alone. My heart is heavy as I recollect the memories of old. Unfortunately, “tempus fugit”.
To my close friends Amelia, Hans and Lovoti – the best part of 2011 was being with you guys and sharing my darkest moments knowing that we were always going to be together, no matter the circumstances. I am grateful for you all. I love you.
My closest cousins, my hearts and soul – Damien, Anthea, Fiona and Nola. Only you know the mess that is me. Only you know why I do what I do. The reason why I always love with a passion yet even though it isn’t reciprocated. The reason why the darkest chapters of my life remain unwritten. I swear it’s you that my heart beats for – all of you.
My friends and family too numerous to name – thank you for the memories we’ve made and the moments we’ve shared. I cannot get them back and believe me when I say that I will never forget you.
To dad – I’m still here, miraculously. You know how many times I’ve tried to come see you and how many times you’ve stopped me. How I wish you would let me see you – my life hangs by a thread right now Dad, you see this. I love you so much and I’m sorry I haven’t turned out the way you wanted me to. I’m still learning. We won’t say our goodbyes because it is better this way.
To Life – have at me while you still can. You threw it all my way. You had me on my hands and knees begging you to stop but the torment continues. And for that, I am thankful. The times I’ve bled, I’ve become stronger. You taught me the true meaning of being alive. The scars I carry are many but the biggest battle is yet to come. I stand my ground and herald the approach of your vengeance. Come at me! Do your worst for I am still here!
To my Fly-by-night Dreamers, reclaim what was rightfully yours – you’re in the wrong place trying to make it right, just like me. I’m reaching out to hold your hand now. We have a long walk ahead of us. The world isn’t half as bad as they paint it to be.
We have the chance to change that, or maybe I’m just dreaming out loud.
Goodbye 2011 – the year that will never be forgotten.
 
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‘Cause it’s you.

Hi,
You seem to know exactly what my heart feels – you seem to know exactly how to make it beat fast and slow at the same time, and you render me speechless with your choice of words and gestures. I’m a wreck around you and I don’t have the strength in me to fight these emotions that overwhelm me. You tug on my heart strings like I were a marionette.
It’s the last day of 2011 and I haven’t been able to sleep a wink because, like you said, I think too much. Maybe that is my downfall, I don’t know. At the end of it all when the smoke clears, I only have my mind to keep me going because my heart lies useless where it’s always been. I just don’t know any better I guess. I only hope that one day I have my day in the sun – when I get to shout out loud that I am finally where I’m supposed to be.
But for now, I am content to be in this moment, lost in your eyes – and waking up to visions of your smile a 1000 miles away.
We can’t always have what we want and that’s a reality I hold on to everyday of my life. You are a memory in my heart and mind that does not want to leave me, no matter how hard I try. I can’t even begin to comprehend how much I love you and would give up just to be able to see you in person for even a second, I swear I’d die happy.
It’s barely 8am and these are the thoughts I stayed up all night with. I am lost in my thoughts of you. The ice box that is my heart melts every time I see your face – and I only have you to thank.
I ask myself every day why I am so weak around you and I get no answers. It is what it is I suppose.
With this said, I hope you know how much I love you and wish you well for the new year.
My undying love to you,
Mia xx.

The emptiness within.

Christmas is only 3 days away and I find myself in a real quandary. I’m constantly tested and my boundaries pushed to breaking point yet I don’t know how or where to even begin telling my story. He hit me like a hurricane that came out of the blue and destroyed everything in its path. My sanity, my soul and my heart swept away with those few words that he uttered during the morning. The wall that I had built and tried to fortify my being came crashing down at that instant as he appeared out of nowhere. I look back in the past and remember the wonderful moments we shared yet I fear this in so many ways. I was in love once, madly in love. And I was willing to give it all up for one man who proclaimed his love for me. It was real then and still is. I feel his heart beat for me as he utters those familiar words again. I do not understand why things have happened this way and why I am back again feeling the same way when I could be elsewhere loving someone else. He sits so far away from me – so far that I cannot touch him or tell him that I am scared. I fear for myself more then anything because I have done nothing to stop this overwhelming feeling of madness. Sheer stupidity is what a lot would call it but I refuse to listen, or perhaps I hold on to the hopes of possibly seeing his face and having him caress my face as he leans forward to seal the deal with a kiss. Oh how I’ve longed for you! And yet I cannot understand why this is so. I am broken inside. Caught in a crossroads with a death wish – to deal with the devil himself. How this will fare I do not know but for now, it’s the butterflies that I live for. And the hopes of finding true love one day. The concept of true love is so vague. I had that once, a very long time ago. Before everything became complicated and the walls of sanity came crashing down around me, engulfing me in tears and rage because I couldn’t stop my heart from hurting the way it did. I never forgot him – not once. A constant reminder as I heard that familiar tune on the radio, and I swear I could have heard his voice in the background telling me to hold on because the best was yet to come. I am really confused at this point. The headwinds are strong and I’m fighting a losing battle. My body lies here yet my mind is miles away. My soul withering away for not being able to see through it all. And now I find myself drifting one more time – listening to the sounds of Snow Patrol and wondering about the what-ifs that I’ve had all my life. A miserable past that threatens to catch up with me time and time again – and I see it happening now. The pain has slowly started coming back – my chest aching for oxygen as he whispers the words I have been longing to hear. The moment I gaze into his eyes, I lose myself. I cannot help the way I feel any more. I want to walk away but I’m not as strong as I thought I was. Mesmerised by his sweet words and his love. I only hope it is real. So confused. Where am I headed? Tears in my eyes as I force myself to stay awake and understand the reason behind my madness.

Perhaps I’ll leave that for another day, another post.

Today, I cried.

I woke up to the sounds of the birds singing and the neighbours dogs barking as they scampered around like crazy over their breakfast bowls. The suns rays shone through my window this morning, only to be marred by the dark clouds in the distance. I woke up today with a purpose. Today was going to be the day I made some very important decisions. Decisions that would change the course of my life and eventually forge a new path that I was going to walk.
Alas, I also woke up to misery and the reminder that my life was not as perfect as everyone thought it was. Despite the brave front and the weak smile, I suppressed something far too real. Something that had me feeling constricted and awful inside. I came to terms with the sad fact that this burden was mine to bear. Mine alone.
The overwhelming feeling of wanting to scream my guts out in agony and tell Life that it had won and I had lost. I’ve held on for so long now. How much longer before I catch that elusive dream?
Today, I cried. I cried because I’ve hit a snag. I cried because my heart hurts. I cried because my soul is weary. I cried because I needed to. I cried because it’s the only therapy I have.
I am tired. Tired of it all.

You.

Something stirs in the darkness.
The vision before my eyes lit up the room like a starry sky. You stared across at me with those longing eyes, that smile that could knock someone out. I felt your warmth then. I saw the love in your eyes. You were happy to see me. The sheer contentment in you was obvious. I know you felt the same way. How could you not?
Passion that began years before and rekindled itself so easily. Could this be real love? Could this be everything I was looking for?
Someone told me once that the one person you always wanted was right there under your nose yet you could not see it. I questioned that quote, time and time again. A soul-less being drudging on in the shadows, looking for a reason to smile again. I knew what it felt like. It was painful to say the least but then again, who was I to judge the inner workings of a heart in motion.
Where was I heading this time? The answers to the endless questions never to be answered but a lesson at every turn.
I think I almost had it made. Almost.

Business, coconut style.

The sickening thing about Fiji is that you gotta wait around for other people to submit their shit before you are able to get your work off the ground. I despise having to do that because it not only slows me down but pressures me to burn the midnight oil while the deadlines loom. I would rather do the whole segment on my own but unfortunately, my work must coincide with others.
2 days now and I’m getting annoyed with the banks and the Ministries who are delaying me by not replying to their emails on time and not answering their bloody phones. A massive Ministry of about 200 people and not one person is able to hear the phones ring?
Makes me wonder what these people are doing with all that free time. It is greatly annoying for me to have to wait for this long. Deadlines is the key word, and it is looming.
I just gotta grin and bear it till someone is kind enough to get back to me. This is the Technology Age and every 2nd person on the street walks around with a freakin’ iPhone or BlackBerry. All synced to their mail servers and updates are supposedly regular. I am certain they know when there is an incoming message/email. Why the fuck do they blatantly not reply or answer calls?
Then it occurs to me. Extended tea breaks that overlap with lunch hours. Men gathered around fuckin’ grog bowls discussing absolute bullcrap! What a waste of resources!
This is Fiji. This is how we do business. Lovely ain’t it??

Hello WordPress!

Dear Santa,
Since everyone is writing a letter to you, I thought I’d do the same. Firstly, thank you for my early Christmas present/late birthday present that came in a uniform and a big smile! I really am enjoying it 🙂
Secondly, can I please get the Sennheiser MM 550?? It’s not that I ain’t grateful for the early present but it’s just that it has a noise-cancelling function that would be awesome for my mummy as I tend to make a lot of noise with the first present. I love my mum and I want her to have a good sleep when I’m having a “midnight snack” 😀
A true believer,
Mia xx.

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